Pool Tales and Other Stories by Ace Toscano

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Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The Practice Table: A Duck Hunter's Paradise

Practice is a personal thing. Maybe, you like working through drills. Maybe, you work on shots you've been having trouble with. Or, maybe you prefer chasing the ghost. Maybe, you're painstakingly deliberate and organized. Or, maybe, as I've been lately, you're all over the damn place. Hey! Whatever turns you on.

I remember going up to a guy I wanted to play one time and asking him if he might want to lock horns with me in some cheap-sets of nine ball. "No," he said, "I'm practicing."

"For what?" I couldn't help wondering. I mean, if you're practicing, then it's implied you're practicing for something. Obviously, he wasn't practicing to play me.

BTW, this explains why I haven't really been able to focus during my recent sessions - I'm not practicing for anything. I'm no longer involved with the local bar league scene, so I'm no longer obsessed with finding new ways to torture the barroom brotherhood. I haven't been going to DJ's for their Thursday night open nine-ball tournament - the logistics are just too much of a pain in the ass. And, like-minded individuals who want to hook up for some $20 race-to-seven nine-ball matches are not as plentiful as they once were. Such is life.

But, that being said, there's still some logic to my practice sessions. For one thing, I like to practice those long straight shots. They're good for my alignment and my stroke. I avoid shooting most shots into the side pockets, except for the occasional bank, because I don't see any value in popping hangers. For the same reason, when I leave a ball in the jaws, rather than pop it in, I place it back out in the middle of the table and try the shot again.

I also work on cut shots of varying degrees. Typically, I like to start by placing balls about 10 to 12 inches out from the side pocket and cutting them diagonally into the corner on the opposite side of the table. I want to be able to pocket these shots at will... like I could back when I was a kid. Probably ain't gonna happen, especially with the constant trembling I've developed in my hands, but I haven't given up on the possibility.

I also concentrate on center ball stroking. I miss way too many long shots due to inadvertent english and the consequent inadvertent throw. And, "Stay Down!" I have to remind myself to stay down at least once a shot. Duhhhh.

So, for right now, that's pretty much my practice routine - not terribly organized, but, still, purposeful.

Which brings me to the subjects of this post, the duck hunters, the old dudes who find their way to the poolroom and try to pretend that once upon a time they could actually play. I call them duck hunters because they lay the balls out on the table making sure they're never more than three of four inches from a hole, and, then, proceed to drive them in with authority. This, apparently, makes them feel real good about themselves, this plucking daisies, shooting cheeries, poppin' hangers. On closer observation, you'll notice these guys rarely shoot balls down the length of the table - they specialize in shooting cross-table shots no longer that two or three feet in length. If, on occasion, they do attempt a long shot, they shoot it very softly so that when they miss, and they invariably do, they'll leave the ball close enough to the pocket so they can blast it in next try.

What's the friggin' sense? I mean, I get it. They're more worried about missing and looking foolish than they are about improving their games. But, isn't that ridiculous? From the moment I saw their first herky-jerky poke at the cue ball, I knew, regardless of what they might want me to believe, that they had never been any good, that they had always been chumps, and that they had never engaged Buddy Hall in thousand dollar sets.

At best, back when they were at the top of their games, they might have come out two beers ahead after an all night session of eight-ball at the local VFW, Moose Club or Fraternity of Eagles. And, that's about it. They have no reputations to protect. And, no one could possibly think any less of them if they missed a shot or two or three. I mean, that's how you get better, people - by challenging yourself. If you're going to take the trouble to drive out to the pool room two or three times a week, why not challenge yourself? Why not work on your game? Why not try to get better? Otherwise, you're just taking up space and distracting the hell out of me.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Requiem for a Lightweight: The Ongoing Saga of Stroker Smith

by
Ace Toscano


1

Stroker glanced out the window just in time to see Otis Griswold jog by. Maybe Griswold had it right. Running was a solitary thing. No teammates to worry about. No sponsors to deal with. Nobody sharking you or giving you shit.

As Griswold disappeared behind Russo’s place, Stroker was visualizing himself running... running in races for seniors -- taking the ribbon in 5k, 10k, 20k races, maybe even a marathon. And there he was on the podium, cameras flashing, his picture destined for papers from Florida to California. Soon as he finished the dishes, he thought, he’d have to go online and order himself a good pair of running shoes, top-of-the-line running shoes.

Playing pool was something altogether different from running, especially, when you did your pool playing in bars. Otis Griswold wouldn’t want any part of that. Otis Griswold definitely wouldn't want to fuck up his lungs with secondhand smoke. On a typical evening, Stroker might suck down a couple cubic tons of other peoples cigarette smoke. And, many the morning after, he would wake up feeling like he’d just chain-smoked ten cartons. Please note, he hadn't actually smoked since 1990.

Otis probably wouldn’t like the poolrooms either, not with the nitwits you were forced to deal with, nitwits like that old OCD demented POS Chris McCaskill or, as Stroker liked to call him, “McAsshole.” He was always prowling around the pool room, replacing stools, ashtrays, bridges, racks, pieces of chalk, placing them just where he thought they should be. One day, when Stroker's Instroke cue case, containing his custom made Josey cue, was leaning against a stool McCaskill deemed out-of-place, the asshole threw it to the floor, threw it like you would throw a battering ram through a door. Another time, the wack job had accused Stroker of sneaking over to his table while he was off making his OCD rounds and swapping a plain old blue dot cue ball for his treasured measled orb while the actual perpetrators,  three young guys on the table next to his, were laughing their asses off and goofing on him. Chicken shit bastard actually told people Stroker stole from him. McCaskill probably figured his advanced age was insurance against any ass-kicking. He might soon discover it wasn't.

But, maybe, thought Stroker, maybe he was giving Griswold too much credit. Maybe the Grissard would fit right in with those bastions of senility. All he really knew about Gris was that he jogged by his window each morning like clockwork and that the association had warned him umpteen times about playing his radio too loud. Talk radio. If the dumbbell had been playing music, nobody would have given a rat's ass; but Rush Limbaugh? and that network of screwballs? that was much more than resident Democrats could take. Griswold would be better off feeding that load of crap to the boys at the pool room. Hell, he'd probably gain a legion of followers.

The only thing wrong with this thread was that Griswold didn’t play pool - he just jogged.

Such is life.

2

Stroker googled “best running shoes” and came up with Brooks Glycerin 8. They had a 5 star rating on amazon, so he ordered up a pair of size elevens for $129.99.  No one could say he wasn’t serious.

3

Pool.

Let’s say you were good at something, once. Something like… ping pong, yeah, ping pong, for instance. Okay, okay,  if you insist, “table tennis.” Whoop-dee-fuckin'-doo! Let’s say you grew up with the game, played it in the church basement, at the YMCA, at the boys club, at the CYO, anywhere they had a table and paddles. After high school, you, naturally, chose a college known for its table tennis program, like Imadork U, and earned yourself a full scholarship. I know, this sounds a little “out there” but this is only an analogy, so bear with me... maybe, for a more exciting alternative, I should’ve picked tidily winks. Anyway, you were a hot shot ping pong player and your team not only won the conference title, it went on to win the fuckin’ NC double “A” championship! “Eat It, Eat It, Raw Raw Raw.” Following your appearance on ESPN and the team’s trip to the White House where you were honored by a mildly distracted President Nixon, you, along with a couple teammates, were named to Team USA. More whoop-dee-fuckin'-doo! During the two years leading up to the Olympics, you traveled the globe playing table tennis in China, Korea, Japan, Saudi Arabia, Turkey, Russia and in many countries no one ever heard of. You didn’t win any medals -- no one expected you to. Still, you held your own against the best of the best.

Now, fast-forward about 25 years. Though there’s a ping pong table in your rec room, you hardly ever pick up a paddle. In fact, the last time you actually played was at your class reunion weekend where you played so miserably that you were ridiculed by your old teammates who all seemed to have forgotten you were once star of the team. It was embarrassing. Table Tennis had been your life, once, the one thing you had ever been any good at, and, now, you couldn’t play worth a shit.

When you do find time to recreate, rather than cooping yourself up in the rec room, you’d much prefer to run out to the club with your daughter, she plays pretty good golf, and squeeze in 18 holes. One day, while you are in line at the club house, waiting to buy a dozen slightly-used golf balls, you notice a flyer on the wall promoting an upcoming table tennis tournament for club members. First prize is $250. Admittedly, you can no longer compete at the championship level, but against the drunk and overweight club members? That would be a different story. You knew you could handle them. The spinners, the defense-only blockers - they’d be shooting blanks at you. And they could never handle your top spin or your smashes. If you enter, you will surely win. So you do, and you win an easy $250.

After a couple weeks of praise and congratulations from your fellow club members,  you find yourself enjoying your elevated status. What had been a severely atrophied self-image has suddenly been reversed. You’re club champion, now. No need to explain to the boys that your skills have eroded - they think you’re a star. To them, you are somebody.

For a time, you sign up for every table tennis competition that comes down the pike. You even become a part of a team that ventures forth and kicks the shit out of other teams comprised of unskilled novices and their brethren, the terminally uncoordinated. Why not? You’re representing. You even build a shelf in the rec room for your new trophies. One question, however, continues to gnaw away at you - “Is there really any value in beating these bums?” In time, the prestige that goes along with being the best ping pong player at the Shady Hollow CC starts to wear thin. You remove the trophies from the shelf, store them in boxes and carry them out to the shed. To hell with ping pong, you say… I mean table tennis, whoop dee fuckin’ doo… you’d rather play lousy golf.

So it was with Stroker Smith and pool to a, somewhat, lesser degree.

4

The hour glass blinked on and off and whirled as the glucose monitor analyzed a droplet of his blood. Wake up, stumble to the bathroom, take a leak, wash his hands, test his sugar - this is how every day started. He often joked to the guys that he was a slave to his prostate. That was partially true, but, to a greater extent, his diabetes was in charge. Not that he complained about it. By now, ten years into the routine, he was used to it.

Seventy-three. He had figured it was low - his lips were tingling.

“What’s for breakfast, sweetheart?”

“Pancakes,” she replied. “And grapefruit. What’s your reading?”

“Seventy-three.”

The lows never bothered Ellie, unless he was driving around and suddenly felt lost, like he had been hurled into strange surroundings. At home, it was different. But, when it came to high numbers, she cracked down like a glucose nazi, accusing him of sneaking too much of this or that forbidden delicacy. Stroker, himself, realized that managing diabetes was not an exact science and, so, he took the daily ups and downs in stride. Only thing was, this was Monday, which meant he would have to play in the pool league tonight, which, in turn, meant that he would have to keep his sugar on an even keel. His reactions to sugar too high and too low ran from uncontrollable shaking to difficulty concentrating. Neither effect was conducive to good pool playing.

Of course, Ellie cared little about the ups and downs of his pool game and knew less. He never bothered her with details of matches that would require numerous f-bombs to describe - she didn’t care for cursing that went beyond the “darn,” “damn” and “shit” threshold. Which also explains why she had no knowledge whatsoever of the war he had recently waged against Lumis Pepper over a, now, infamous hundred dollar bet he had yet to collect on and, unless he wound up going to jail over it, which remained a distinct possibility, she probably wouldn’t. Neither did she know about Lumis’s vow to get even... or the hooker.

5

Lumis Pepper was one of those loudmouth bores with little worthwhile to say and an undying penchant for saying it who pop up in pool rooms from time to time. Stroker had been practicing by himself at one of the back tables at Chalkies, one day, with, unbeknownst to him, Lumis Pepper watching over his shoulder. When he cut the six ball to the left, down the rail into the corner pocket,  absently applying right hand english to the cue ball in order, probably, to keep it somewhere in the middle of the table, Lumis chirped from behind him, “You put inside english on that ball.”

“Outside,” said Stroker, calmly, without agitation, just figuring Lumis hadn’t been watching that closely.

“Inside!” Lumis said again.

“No,” repeated Stroker. He set the shot up again. “I gave it a little right, just like that - outside english”

“That’s inside english,” Lumis insisted.

“Nope. Outside.”

“That’s inside english! Lookee here,” said Lumis as he circled the table and set the shot up again. Gesticulating adamantly with his hands, he explained, “The ball goes inside the rail and inside the pocket - it’s inside english.”

Stroker shook his head and sighed. “Outside.”

By now, as Rufus Joiner liked to say, old Lumis was carrying on like he had his tit in a wringer. His face was redder than a rooster’s dick, veins were popping out of his forehead, and his ill-fitting false teeth were flopping around his mouth. “I’ve known the difference between inside and outside english my whole life,” he whined in his native West Virginian drawl. “You can’t tell me any different.”

“Well, Lumis, you been fuckin’ wrong your whole life.”

“I’ll bet you my hundred to your fifty that I’m not wrong!”

“Okay,” said Stroker, “that’s a bet.”

Rather that survey the other players who were in the pool room, Stroker decided it would be best to bring in definitive proof. He had a shelf full of pool books, any one of which would support his position. He would bring in a book, next day, and they could settle the bet. What the hell - a hundred was a hundred.

Lumis must have developed doubts, because, as Stroker learned later, he started asking around, quizzing people about their knowledge of inside and outside english.  By the time the next day and the moment of reckoning came around, Lumis had been re-educated on the subject.

“Now, let’s make sure we know what we’re betting on,” he said as Stroker held up one of Phil Capelle’s books.

“You said,” began Stroker, “that, if you cut a ball to the left with right-hand english, that that’s inside english. I said...”

“No, no, no,” said Lumis. “That’s not what I said. I know the difference between inside and outside english. I’ve known it my whole life. You misunderstood me. We actually were both betting on the same thing.”

This wasn't Stroker’s first time around the block. He knew right off that what Lumis was doing. “Listen to me, fuck head. You’re the one who wanted to bet. You're the one who was flapping his gums about how smart you were and how dumb I was. Now, you want to back out. Fuck you. And, if you don’t pay me, every time I see you from now on, I’m going to ask you where my hundred dollars is. And every time someone mentions your name when I’m around, I’m going to tell them what a worthless piece of hillbilly shit you are.” And, he pretty much lived up to that, calling Lumis out on a daily basis often showering him with the most unpleasant and unflattering epithets from as far as ten tables away. He knew he wasn’t ever going to get his hundred, but he didn’t really care - it was worth more than that to spread the word that Lumis was a scum sucking deadbeat who didn’t pay his gambling debts, and that’s all he cared about.

6

Stroker had been introduced to the pool room when he was 12. The movie The Hustler had spawned, back then, a renewal of interest in the game of pocket billiards and friends of his had started hanging out at Teasdale’s Billiard Academy on Main Street in Grover, New Jersey, forty miles west of NYC. It was a time when he was spending more and more time away from home and the prevailing tension that lurked there. Teasdale’s became his refuge. Because his Uncle Nicky had long been known as  the best pool player in town, he immediately had standing among the regular patrons and with the owner, Moulton Tizzy Teasdale, as well. One day Tizzy made him a proposition: if he would help Tizzy remove and fold the table covers each day at opening, he would be granted one half hour of free practice time. Stroker, always pinched for cash, accepted eagerly.

He put those 30 minute sessions to good use. Applying himself to the game of pocket billiards like he had never applied himself to anything, guided only by his own powers of reasoning and Mosconi’s little red book, Stroker quickly worked his way through the local talent and, by age 16, he was easily separating guys ten years his senior, guys who worked for a living, from their hard-earned money. Spotting them 15 to 25 in fifty point straight pool, they never had a chance - running 40 to 50 balls had been nothing. He remembered fondly the many times when, zoned out at the table, pocketing ball after ball, an opponent would have to tap him on the shoulder to get his attention and let him know that he had run out and the game was over. Otherwise, who knows, he might have gone on forever.

Then, one fateful day, he had a falling out with Teasdale. The previous afternoon, he had been half-way through his free practice session when Danny Orbus came through the door wanting to play. Next day, figuring he still had fifteen minutes coming, he extended his free practice session to 45 minutes. When he brought the balls up to Tizzy, Tizzy jumped all over his ass saying, “Don’t think I’m not keeping track of the fuckin’ time, you ungrateful cock sucker.”

“I had time coming from yesterday,” the young Stroker had said in his own defense.

“Who the fuck said you could carry time over from one day to the next, you motherless prick?” he sneered.

Truth was in all the years he had been opening up for Tizzy and taking his free time, this issue had never come up. Stroker had just taken for granted it would be okay. Obviously, judging by Tizzy’s outrage, it hadn’t been. Still, the old fuck might have approached him in a kinder, gentler manner. He hadn’t deserved to be talked to like he was a fucking thief. “Fuck you,” he had said to the old bastard.  Then, he walked out.

Tizzy had probably missed him the next day at opening. And, the day after that. About a week later, Tizzy had managed to relay word to Stroker through a friend that he wanted him to come back so they could straighten out their little “misunderstanding.” “Misunderstanding my ass,” Stroker had said. “You can tell that cheap fuck I’m never going back there.”

And he didn’t, not until a few years later, anyway, after he heard Tizzy had sold out and moved to Florida. Stroker, married by then, hadn’t played pool in years. Still, he assumed he could play. But, when he stopped by the pool room one day and actually tried playing, he discovered he couldn’t hit a fuckin’ rail. Plainly speaking, he was a bum, a goddamned chump. He tried to make a come back, but after a couple weeks of dedicated practice it was obvious he just didn’t have it any more. Guys who would have ducked him a few years before could, now, beat him easily. That humiliation proved too much for his fragile ego - after all, he had been widely known as Stroker Smith, hot shot pool player. Now, he was just a joke. So, he quit playing pool, once and for all.

Then, some thirty five years later, after he discovered that Florida golf courses were hopelessly overpopulated with senile old farts who couldn’t get around a ladies’ course in under six hours, and that the clubhouse of the old fogy’s trailer park he had moved into had a couple 8 foot pool tables on which he could play for free, he decided to take up the game of pool again. He quickly discovered that he still couldn’t play a lick. But, at this stage of his life, with no one around to remember his former brilliance and more patience than his younger self had ever had, he wasn’t discouraged. He decided to take advantage of the opportunity and dedicated himself to getting better. And he did get better. But, it was a painfully slow process. He ran 50 balls at the clubhouse one day and decided it was time to take his show on the road. Banging the balls around by himself was no substitute for action - if he was going to get better, he would have to start playing for something.

7

Playing bad in the clubhouse with no one around was one thing. Playing bad in the pool room in front of others was another. Still, Stroker managed to lessen the potential embarrassment with the thought that he “didn’t know these fuckin’ people, anyway.” Even if he turned out to be the bum who dropped a quick fifty bucks to the resident douche bag, it wasn’t like it was going to make national headlines. So, finally, after three weeks of stalling, he took his show on the road.

Now, what he expected, based on his prior experience, was that as soon as walked into Chalkies pool room, before the door swung shut, resident players eager to separate him from his wallet would be racing over to him en masse with all kinds of shady propositions. And, though he wasn’t about to let himself get suckered, he was resigned to dropping a few bucks.

Wasn’t going to happen. He learned quickly that the afternoon crowd at Chalkies not only did not gamble, they were afraid to death of the prospect. He asked one old guy if he wanted to play a game of straight pool to fifty points for ten dollars.

“No,” the guy said. “I don’t gamble,” which meant, thought Stroker, he was afraid of losing his money.

On top of that, the clown didn’t shoot straight pool. He played nine-ball, for funsies, of course, and eight-ball, but straight pool was as foreign to him as downtown Shanghai. Stroker had a hard time accepting that - a pool player who didn’t play straight pool. It boggled his friggin’ mind.

Stroker declined invitations to participate in games that were strictly social, including a never-ending non-betting ring game that occupied four or five of the regulars daily. He couldn’t see how playing with nothing at stake would improve his game, so he developed the habit of practicing by himself.

8

Tuesday nights Chalkies hosted an open nine-ball tournament which Stroker entered once, played like the chump in, embarrassing himself like he’d shit in his communion suit, but continued to attend, anyway, as a spectator rather than a participant. What he discovered was that there were some pretty good players on the gulf side of Florida, much better, in fact, than he had ever been, even as a hot-shot teen. Sure, he would’ve made a respectable showing back then, back when his stroke was straight and his eyes were sharp, but these guys were veteran 9-ball players. Not only could they make all the shots, they could move the rock with precision. They were way out of Stroker’s league. Hell, the way he played now, everyone still pumpin’ blood was out of his league.

9

It was also on Tuesday nights that Stroker got to know Rufus Joiner. A good ol’ boy from Tennessee, Rufus wasn’t much of a threat to the crowd at Chalkies, but he, reportedly, was doing pretty well on the local barroom circuit. On Thursday nights, he’d hit a bar down in Tarpon Springs that hosted a weekly 8-ball tournament. At his urging, Stroker joined him one night and, without losing a single game, sailed through the winner’s side, winning a hundred dollar prize in the process. Next week, he repeated and, as quickly as that, he was a member of the local bar pool scene. Tuesday nights found the boys at another bar tournament, this one at the bowling alley’s on old 54 down in New Port Richey. First time out, he won there, too.

Stroker wasn’t kidding himself - he didn’t have an inflated idea of who he was in the grand theme of things or of how he ranked among area pool players. He knew it was only a bunch of bar players he was beating, a bunch of guys who thought they could shoot pool but who actually weren’t all that. Still, it felt good winning for a change and   hanging with guys who, deluded as they might be, actually thought he could play.

Not long after he joined the bar tour, one of his new bar buddies asked if Stroker would sub on his bar league team because they wanted to make a run at first place and one of their regular players was screwing up the works. Stroker complied, lost only one game in the last five weeks of the season and propelled his friends to the league championship. Accepting an invitation to become a permanent part of the team, Stroker was the ringer who’s role it was to seal the deal. He started playing in leagues on Mondays and Wednesdays and accumulated trophies at an incredible rate.

While all this was going on, he continued to hit Chalkies every afternoon to work on his game. He had, by now, improved to the point that he wasn’t half bad, even on the big tables. On the bar boxes, he was deadly. He had finished as individual point leader for the last four sessions and his teammates, talking about a five-peat, were comparing him to Jimmie Johnson. Not bad, you might say, for an old timer of 64.

But, Stroker wasn’t all that pleased with himself. Tom Cruise among the pygmies is how he saw himself. Yeah, maybe he had a room full of trophies but, when you got right down to it, what did they signify? Nothing, except that he was getting his jollies by beating a bunch of bar players who, technically, didn’t know shit about pool. Hell, you’d be hard pressed to find three guys in the league who knew how to hold a stick. Whoopee! C’mon, Freddie, let’s hear another chorus of We Are The Champions.

Sure, he’d become a legend in the local bars, but all that really mattered to him was that in the pool room he was still a bum. You wouldn’t catch him bragging to his acquaintances there about his bar league success because anyone with half a melon would know exactly what he was doing - gettin’ his jollies by beating up on a bunch of nits. That was just plain pitiful.

10

“Toast or a cupcake,” asked Ellie.

“I better have both,” he decided.

He loaded up his syringe with fifteen units of Lantus, the slow-acting stuff. Fast-acting insulin before meals, slow acting insulin at night. It wasn’t really a pain in the ass, it was his life.

11

His teammates.

Unlike Stroker, who had to perform the rituals of the diabetic before heading out on league nights, his teammates would simply climb into or onto their rides and head out. No problema.

Well, that probably wasn’t exactly true. He could envision Buzz, the Buzzer, trekking out to his work shop last minute to roll a few bombs. It was a condition of life that Buzz and his other teammates could not play pool without a frequent infusion of weed. Every so often the three of them would slip out the bar’s back door to partake in their favorite pastime. “Going to the dumpsters” was how Stroker referred to it. Of course, he realized he was probably inserting himself into the equation when he imagined Buzz slinking off to the work shop. For all he knew, maybe Buzz just plopped his ass down at the kitchen table, in front of wife and kids, pulled out a baggy of buds and went to work. Who knows? These were creatures of a different world.

And, on pool nights, Wiley Baker, Buzz’s sidekick, reportedly had a difficult time extricating himself from the comfort he found between the sheets, if, in fact, his bed bore sheets. Again, Stroker realized he was taking liberties. Anyway, Buzz’s usual excuse for arriving late was difficulty dragging Wiley Baker’s “lazy ass” out of bed. While probably a contributing factor, Stroker allowed, the leisurely loop they traced through the county’s back roads while sharing a pre-match blimp did little to hasten their arrival.

Team captain, Timothy Calderone, TC, had no punctuality issues. Most nights, he was first to arrive. Having sworn off booze, cigarettes and marijuana, he was unencumbered, except for a nasty disposition. He’d work all day cutting lawns, race home, gnash teeth with his girlfriend, Tammy, shower, eat, strap his cue to his back, then, jump on his Harley and hit the road. All night long, during their matches, he and Tammy would exchange angry, hate-filled text messages, some that he shared, some that he didn’t.

12

After his snack, a thorough teeth brushing, three partially successful attempts to empty his bladder, one stint on the toilet during which he tried not to think of that positive stool sample - “Gee, thanks Doc, it’s nice to hear something positive for a change,” Stroker finally dragged his tired ass out of the trailer. It was twenty-five to eight when he cruised into the Beer Factory’s parking lot, leaving plenty of time, he thought, to get in a couple practice games before the match started. Generally speaking, with the boys venturing to the dumpster for some pre-match fortification, things didn’t get started till eight fifteen. He couldn’t help notice, with a sigh of resignation, an array of Harley’s lined up out front of the Beer Factory’s entrance. That meant, more than likely, they’d be playing the gang from Ivy’s Road House, tonight. The Nomads.

13

For some reason, TC, Wiley and Buzz held the Nomads, in high esteem. Last time they had played, TC had inadvertently motored up to Ivy’s wearing a red flydanna and was immediately put on notice that to ride into the Nomads’ lair with an unauthorized display of the group’s colors was a violation of the biker’s code so blatant and disrespectful that under different circumstances it may have wound up being severely detrimental to his physical well being. Thankfully, Stroker had an intimate connection with one of the Nomad’s top dawgs, Charlie Evans, and because of that the situation quickly fizzled and the gang forgave TC for his flydanna faux pas and bestowed on him various biker-style hugs of condescension.

It was one of those “small world” coincidences that had landed Stroker and Charlie Evans in the same pitiful ten team bar league in the remote outskirts of Florida’s redneck civilization. Fact was, they had met years ago trout fishing at the Paulinskill River in Sussex County, New Jersey. Charlie, his brother and dad, natives of Morristown, would drive up most Saturdays during the fishing season to fish in one of Stroker’s favorite stretches of water, one that ran from a dam just east of Blairstown down to the steel railroad trestle. Thing was, unlike Charlie who was light complected, Charlie’s brother and dad were blacker than Jackie Robinson. Among the Nomads who couldn’t go five minutes without referring to the n-word in one form of usage or another, that bit of trivia most surely would have effected the current leadership structure. But, if passing was the way Charlie wanted to go, Stroker figured he had that right and wished him all the best. Though they never spoke about it, the cordiality he always bestowed upon Stroker showed that Charlie was very appreciative.

14

It was common knowledge at Chalkies that most mornings would find Stroker doing laps at Veteran Park’s walking circuit. He did it mostly for the exercise, but he also enjoyed being outdoors in a bucolic setting that was very hospitable to various species of birds, including pileated woodpeckers, bluebirds, hawks and, frequently, bald eagles. Johnny Jones, especially, an outdoorsman himself, was always eager to hear about sightings Stroker had made during his morning strolls.

Though he wasn’t on a first name basis with anybody, he knew others who frequented the park by sight and he made it a practice to nod and say “good morning” as they crossed pathes.

Being pretty good with faces, he recognized as a newcomer a nice looking young lady who, traversing the circuit in the opposite direction, flashed him a wide smile as she went by. He was still contemplating her enthusiasm when he passed her again down by the tennis courts, this time smiling like they were old friends. She didn’t seem to be walking that fast, making Stroker wonder what had brought them back together so quickly, but he didn’t dwell on it. When, not a quarter mile further on, he bumped into her again, same smile, same glow, alarms went off. If nothing, Stroker was a realist. In his sixty-four years, he had never once been accused of being a babe magnet, nor had he ever been greeted with such enthusiasm, not even by his mother.

She stopped in front of him. “Can I ask you something?” she asked in a please-please pretty please tone of voice.

“Sure,” said Stroker. “Go ahead.”

“Mind if I walk with you? I hate walking alone.”

“Well, I’m not going to be here much longer, but you can walk me to my car. Maybe, I’ll take you home with me.”

“Oh, you’re so sweet,” she purred. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

With that, she came aside Stroker, took his hand in hers and, pressing her cheek against his shoulder, fell in step beside him.

They had gone about twenty yards when Stroker stopped.

“Sweetheart, do you think you could do me one little favor?” he asked.

“Oh, sure,” she said, eager to please.

“Would you please tell Lumis that I said he shouldn’t be pimping out his daughter.”

15

“GONADS?” Stroker always yelled that out when they played the Nomads, not to goof on the bikers, but to goof on his teammates who were afraid he was going to instigate a confrontation.

TC wandered over. “Shut up, will ya,” he whispered. “You’re going to get us killed?”

“GONADS?” He winked at Charlie Evans who could barely suppress a laugh.

By the time the barmaid Vicki served up a hug and a diet soda and Stroker had assembled his cue, it was quarter to eight. As usual, Buzz and Wiley hadn't arrived. Stroker checked his cell phone to see if they had called. They hadn’t. He dug a quarter out of his pocket and set it on the rail of the pool table to establish his place in order for a practice game.

“We’re playing!” announced TC.

“I can wait,” said Stroker. “I’ll take the next game.”

“We’re playing,” repeated TC, more emphatically.

“What are you talking about?”

“We started the match.”

“What?” Incredulous, Stroker looked again at his watch. “It’s only quarter to fuckin’ eight,” he said.

“They wanted to start, so we started,” said TC.

“Your fuckin’ team isn’t even here, yet.”

“You're here. Buzz and Wiley are on the way.”

“This is fuckin’ stupid!” said Stroker. “I don’t even get to practice?”

TC had moved over by the Nomads’ table. He was shouting, now, evidently unhappy that his authority was being questioned. “We started. Okay? We want to get done before midnight. Some of us have to work for a living. Live with it.”

“Fuck. You. Asshole,” said Stroker. Without a word to anyone, he took his cue apart, returned it to his case, and walked out the door.

He was halfway to his car when TC came running out of the bar. “They wanted to start,” he said once again. “They're the Nomads.”

“You're a fuckin’ asshole” Stroker shouted over his shoulder. ”Live with that!” And that quick, his season, his quest of a five-peat, and his career as a bar player all came to an end.

16

Realizing his body couldn't take the pounding, he slowed to a walk, then stopped. Running wasn’t good for you. It couldn’t be if it brought on this much agony. His knees felt like they’d been pummeled with a sledge hammer and he was pretty sure his right foot was broken. Plus, he needed air.  Doubled over, he fought to catch his breath, drawing in deeply, once, twice, three times. What the hell had he been thinking! He must’ve been out of his fuckin’ mind!

A trio of crows mocked him from atop the cyclone fence that enclosed the ball field. Thanks, he muttered, right back at ya.

And just when he was thinking that this running horse shit was worse than a colonoscopy, he glanced back over his shoulder and there she was, Lumis’s hooker, coming as fast as her high heels could carry her.

Damn that fuckin’ Lumis.

“Are you all right?” she asked with syrupy concern.

“I’m... okay,” he told her, between breathes. “Just restin’.” Then, he took off, running as fast as he could.


Three weeks later, when he finally got around to turning his cell phone back on, there was voice mail from Charlie Evans. "Hey, old buddy," he said, "I was just wondering if you enjoyed that little number I sent over to the park for ya. Sweet, huh? Let me know."


© 2011 by Ace Toscano. All Rights Reserved.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Fixing Nicks In A Cue Shaft Country Style

I was playing one day when it occurred to me that my stick lacked the slick smoothness that I prefer. It felt rougher than grandma's broomstick. Though I noticed the network of nicks and dings all of a sudden, they were, more than likely, an accumulation of several months of bangs and knocks. A few days later I decided it was time to clean up my shaft.

Now, I refer to the procedure I follow as "country style" because it is not likely to please those cue worshippers who handle their sticks like an English doctor might handle Prince Charles' unit -- very carefully. I mean, I've heard repeatedly from different players, especially those who like to give advice via the internet, that they would never let sandpaper touch their cues. Me, I love sandpaper. I think it's pretty handy stuff. And, it plays an important role in my method of eliminating nicks. Others would probably warn that my method could cause shafts to warp. All I can say to that is it's never happened to me and I've been cleaning up my shafts this way for a long time.

So, let's begin. What do you need? You'll need a regular household washcloth, the kind you wash your face with, not the kind you'd use on dishes. You'll need a piece of cloth. I opt for an old undershirt. Last, you'll need a piece of sandpaper, preferably 2000 grit. I usually find this in the same section of a department store where they sell spray paint for cars.


Washcloths

During my most recent refurbishing, I started at the tip end of the shaft and worked my way up to the joint. You might be able to tackle the whole length of the shaft at once, but I prefer to work my way up over a matter of days.

You fold the washcloth so that it roughly conforms to the location of the nick. If you have two or three nicks that are close together, you may want to fix them together. Next, you wet the bottom third of it with hot tap water, squeezing out the excess water so that the cloth is good and damp but not dripping. Then, you press the wet end against the ding and roll the entire cloth tightly around the shaft.



Set the shaft aside and check it out tomorrow. If, as is usually the case, the nicks have vanished, you can then thoroughly dry the worked-on area by rubbing it with the cotton cloth. Then, hit it with the sandpaper. Voila - you're back in business.

Now, if you want your sticks to last forever, this method is probably not best for you. But, if you don't give a crap about forever and just want to get rid of the nicks, give it a try.

Note: I ran into Freeak-Zilla Bill at the pool room today and had the opportunity to watch him employ the method referred to in his comment first hand. I'd be willing to bet a wad of hundreds that his method is a lot better than mine. First, he wet a paper towel, squeezed out the excess water and nuked it until it was hot, but not too hot to handle. On this day, he deemed 20 seconds to be enough. First time out, play it safe - if the paper towel isn't hot enough, you can always give it another ten seconds. He removed the paper towel from the microwave and applied it directly to the nick for two or three minutes. Then, as he stated in his comment, he completed the process by vigorously rubbing the area with a dry paper towel, rubbing until the area was dry. Voila! In less than 5 minutes, the dent was eliminated. He fixes bigger nicks, chips or dents that won't succumb to this method by filling them with a drop of super glue gel, allowing the glue to dry for a few days, then sanding the spot smooth. I can't wait till my shaft gets nicked up again, so I can try his method out. LMAO!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

GEAR: What’s in your case and why?

PoolSynergy's theme this month calls for their esteemed network of pool bloggers to examine their cue cases and explain, if they can, the odds and ends they carry around in them. The topic struck me as one that wouldn’t strain my limited mental resources, so I decided to contribute to the discussion. You can find the complete list of contributors at The Tip Jar, the site of this month's host Samm Diep.


Before I get to what’s in the pockets and pouches of my 3/7 Instroke cue case, let me say a quick word about pool cues in general – they ain’t magic wands. Frankly speaking, I played the best pool of my life, back in the 60’s (that’s 1960’s, not the 1860’s), with a spruced up one-piece house cue. Of course, I never played badly back then, but, if I had, I never would have thought of using the cue as an excuse. I mean, it was straight and it had a tip on it – what more could a guy want?

Back then, strangers carrying their own cues would occasionally invade our suburban New Jersey pool room, but we were not terribly impressed by their lacquered finishes or their fancy inlays – I guess we didn’t get it. Fact is we viewed these intruders with more than a little suspicion. Figuratively speaking, we were all dressed up in jeans and in came these guys decked out with more ruffles than Little Lord Fauntleroy. Know what I mean?

Anyway, fast forward to when, after a 38 year layoff, I started playing again back in 2000. I soon discovered there wasn’t one decent stick in the game room of the old fogies’ trailer park where I reside. So, I went shopping. Finding Kmart was out of their quality implements, I boogied down to Sports Authority where I found a stick for twenty bucks. It wasn’t all that but it was plenty good enough for a guy who could barely hit a rail. By the time I realized it was a piece of crap, I had been carrying it to the local pool room for over a year with no pangs of conscience whatsoever. When I did decide to upgrade, I went online and bought myself a $55 Players cue stick. I still have it, somewhere. I used that for a few years and, then, graduated to a $200 Falcon sneaky-pete. I liked that stick well enough, but, for no good reason, a year later I decided to get myself a custom made Josey sneaky which I’m still using. With it, I carry two other sticks: an ASKA break-jump cue I found on ebay and a 1990's vintage Meucci. I hardly ever use the Meucci; I just carry it around.

All that said, I’m still a firm believer that if a person can play, he or she should be able to make do with any kind of stick, including a broomstick. But just like golfers who invest in $5,000 clubs and still can’t break a hundred, there are a zillion poolplayers out there with $2,000 cues who can’t hit a rail. To each his own. Moving on…


There’s chalk in my case, plus a magnetic chalk holder. Chalk generally isn’t an issue at area pool rooms, but our local bars usually opt for that cheap gooey stuff they sell in Wal-Mart. If you want to use Master Chalk, you better bring your own. The danger, then, is that someone will hijack your chalk and claim it as their own. I had returned to my place at the bar after winning a match in our local bar tournament one night, when a guy came charging over and asked, “Did you take the Master Chalk that was on the back table?” I reached in my shirt pocket, flashed the chalk at him showing him the name sticker I had placed on the bottom of the cube and stated simply, “It’s mine.” Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Because I’m a bit of a germaphobe and don’t like sharing chalk with people who are sniffling and sneezing and otherwise snot-filled, I occasionally pull out my magnetic clip-on chalk holder. Of course, this is mostly a symbolic gesture since the infected one’s germs are crawling all over the balls, the rack, the rails and the cloth. That reminds me – it’s time for my flu shot.


I like a slick shaft and I carry several items that contribute to that end. I have talc in a plastic bottle and talc in a Slyde-Rite bag. I’ve got one of those blue scouring pads. I’ve got the Smooth Micro-Burnishing system plastic squares. I’ve got a few pieces of 2000 grit sandpaper, plus a leather pad and a couple small pieces of cloth for wiping down a dirty cue. I’m usually too lazy to dig one of these rags out of my case and opt instead to use my handkerchief. I know there are those who are of the opinion that you should never sand your shaft. I suspect they are afraid that repeated sandings can transform a shaft into a crooked, pencil thin wand. Good luck with that. Me, I’m a sander and a scourer. If, somewhere along the line, my shaft becomes too thin or crooked, I’ll get a new shaft or, more likely, a new cue.


I also have a steel version of the cue tip sander we’re all familiar with. More like a file, it works great, never needs new sandpaper, and, if necessary, could probably double as a parmesan cheese grater. The Porper Cut-Rite tool comes in handy to shave the sides off mushrooming tips.

Thinking about it, I could probably get by with just the talc. Plus, a little sandpaper. And, maybe, the file and those Micro-Burnishing squares. The Porper tool comes in handy, too. Hell, I might as well keep it all – that’s what those compartments are for.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Pool Room Etiquette: Shut the F#&K Up, Please


It ain’t tennis, or golf, or a chess match, but it isn’t a gin mill either – it’s a pool room and, as such, there are times when excessively working your mouth is inappropriate. Like when a big money game is going on. Back when I was a kid and literally hung out in the pool room, you could tell the moment you walked through the door that a money game was in progress. Except for the random clicking of balls, the place was immersed in thick, tense silence. Onlookers, staking out all the reasonable vantage points from which they could view the action, watched, hardly breathing. There were no signs on the walls, no announcements had been made, it was the natural way to behave.

Of course, the big money game was an exception rather than the rule. Most often players were involved in what nowadays are called “cheap sets.” Still, even for those games, there were accepted rules of decorum. For one thing, you would never charge up to the table and start shooting the shit with one of the players. Most often, you would approach someone on the periphery and ask if they were playing for something. “Playing for something” was how we referred to gambling. If guys were gambling, that meant they weren’t just screwing around – they were serious. If, for some reason, you did say something to someone who was gambling, as soon as he said “We’re playing for something” you knew enough to make yourself scarce. Like I said, none of this was written down, it was just the way things were, common sense.

Florida pool rooms are over-populated by old-timers who claim that they grew up in pool rooms and, of course, that they once could play much better than they do now. Unfortunately, ninety-nine per cent of the time, this is bullshit. These are people too uncoordinated to play golf, who may have occasionally played pool at their local watering hole or at the Moose Club, who have taken up pool again so they have excuses to get out of their houses and away from their wives. The problem is they don’t know how to act.

I was playing a guy, let’s call him Lenny, some cheap sets up at Capone’s the other day when an acquaintance of his comes sashaying up to the table with a drink in hand, plops his ass down on a stool next to him, and starts up a conversation. I, at the table, just froze. Lenny saw my reaction and told his friend that I didn’t want him hanging around while I was playing and, after rephrasing that a couple times, the guy finally took the hint. I really didn’t like the idea of Lenny making me the heavy. The way I see it, all he had to say to the guy is “We’re playing for something,” then the guy should’ve known enough to get lost. Instead, he made it appear I was unreasonable and that if it was up to him the guy could have stayed around for a good oldfashioned gabfest. WTF.

Lenny’s another guy who claims he once hung out in a pool room, in Brooklyn no less. I have a hard time believing that folks in Brooklyn would put up with that kind of shit while they were playing, but what do I know, I was 40 miles west in suburban New Jersey.

Speaking of Lenny, a couple months ago we were playing when, jacked up between a cluster of balls at the foot of the table, I tried to make an extremely thin cut. Well, I missed the shot and almost missed the object ball completely. In fact, it barely moved, then settled back where it had been. I told Lenny the ball moved and I guess he didn’t believe me because just last week we’re talking and he brings up something he refers to as “The Phantom Hit.”

Now, you might think he could have taken my word that the ball had moved and been done with it. After all, I was right there with my eyes glued to the balls while he was at the far end of the table engaged in smoking, farting and belching as he normally is. Beside that, during the time we’ve been playing each other, I’ve frequently called fouls on myself that he wouldn’t otherwise have known about. Just a couple weeks ago we were hill-hill and I called a foul on myself for a double hit on the cue ball. He had no idea I had fouled, but I did, so I called it. I doubt seriously that he would ever stop for a foul I had not noticed. At least, he never has. Just saying.

Anyway, you think he could give me the benefit of a doubt and take my word for it that the hit was good? No, two months later he brings up the “phantom hit.” And I wouldn’t doubt that he’s been telling his fellow nits the sad tale every chance he gets. Needless to say, he and I won’t be playing any more. I hate whiners. Maybe he can hook up with his nitwit buddy and they can shoot the shit till the cows come home.

Friday, August 13, 2010

First DJ’s Memorial 9-Ball Tournament A Success


Top players from around Pasco County converged at DJ’s Family Billiards last night, 8-12-2010, for the first annual Memorial 9-Ball Tournament. The night was dedicated to the memory of several special people, among them Tommy Moses, Albert Osanna, Bob May, New York Jimmy, Tommy Hill, special, not only to gathered friends and family, but to all in attendance because they shared an affection for the game of pocket billiards.



Three weeks before he got hit with his final illness, Bob May called me bright and early one Thursday to let me know he’d had a good night down at Stroker’s (Palm Harbor) the night before. Not only had he finished in the money, but on the way he had defeated local notables Dave Williams and Donny Mills. He was on top of the world.

Well, Bobby, I had a pretty good night last night at your memorial tournament. Not only did I finish in the money, but, like you, I managed to beat a few people I had no business beating. Unfortunately, my success had more to do with a streak of luck than great playing, but, what the hell, we have to take what we get.



Among those showing up for the tournament were Mike Davis, Billy Moses, Fast Eddie, Mark W., and Bobby Livrago. I, of course, slipped out as soon as I was eliminated, so I can’t report who won. I can tell you Mike Davis and Jared were still in it when I left.

The tournament was co-sponsored by my website AcesWebWorld.com.

Sunday, June 06, 2010

The Me In Team

I don’t usually spend a lot of time thinking about the individual point standings of our local bar leagues. First of all, I never bring my reading glasses on league night so I can’t read the sheets. Plus, I’m not that conscientious about reporting to the scorekeeper every five or six ball run I make – if I miss a shot or fail to run out, everything that’s happened before often gets wiped from my mind.

None the less, because one of my teammates kept reminding me that he was hot on my heals – he trailed me by a scant six points with six weeks left – I knew I was leading the pack on Monday nights and wasn’t at all surprised when I finished in the number one spot.

Wednesday nights was a different story. Based on my own observations, I hadn’t played very well the last session – I hadn’t won enough games or made enough runs. So, when the captain of my team called explaining that the player who had been in the lead had had a bad final week scoring just six points and that both he and I had leapt past him in the standings, thereby finishing one two, I had a hard time believing it. But, it turned out to be true as the first place trophy on my shelf attests.

And to cap things off, my partner and I came in first in the blind-draw scotch doubles tournament that followed the trophy presentation at the league’s party.

This is small stuff, I realize, but being number one in both leagues is a kick, especially, at this stage of the game.

Here are some pics from the Wednesday night party at my team’s home bar, the Hayloft:



The Team - Ace, Rick, Boogie

Same Guys With Eye Candi

Sandi presents me with SharpShooter Trophy

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Blood, Lust, Sex, Bullets, Money

My latest pool story has none of that. Check out Once A Weasel by Ace Toscano.

As in most of my fiction, the names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

2010 Monday Night Sharpshooters Awards Party

Our team, wearing the Hayloft colors, consisting of Boogie, Billy Cook, Craig and yours truly were declared league champions for the winter session. And, once again, I was awarded a trophy as the league’s individual male points leader. Here’s my acceptance speech for the male points leader award:

 Left: Individual Points Leader; Right: 1st Place Team

“Thanks, everybody, I appreciate the applause. This trophy means a lot to me, not only because it was hard-fought, but because, realistically, with Billy Cook back from Ohio, it could very well be my last. But, hey, there’s nothing wrong with second place, is there Billy? (more applause) Anyway, seeing as I only won by seven points overall, I guess I can thank that 31 point night I had early on for clinching first place for me.

But, as proud as I am of coming in first in the individual points race, I’m prouder yet of the way I played – I never tried to shark anybody by jumping off my stool when they were trying to shoot; I always made an honest effort; and I always played by the rules. Though I can’t say that about all of you who have made it here tonight, (laughter) I can say it about a lot of you. And I just wanted you all to know that, regardless of how many games you won, or what place you came in, if you played by the rules and were a good sport, you have my respect and my friendship. Thanks for making this league fun for all of us. (applause) As for the rest of you - the cheaters, crybabies, sharks, and whiners - maybe you can find another league somewhere. (more laughter) Peace, love and peyote.”

Sunday, May 02, 2010

Barrelz Ekes Out Victory in Challenge Cup Match

 Jeremy, Bobby, Jonny, T.J.

Now, let me preface my comments about the first-ever Hayloft-Barrelz Challenge Cup Match by saying my observations on said match may not be entirely accurate as I was heavily medicated at the time which also accounts for the fact that I couldn’t make a shot.

Unfortunately, I did not have a corner on problems interfering with performance at the table. Boogie, our number three player, was playing on short notice and hadn’t had time to put himself in the proper frame of mind. Billy “The Kid” Cook, our anchor, had been to a Rays game the night before sitting in seats so far removed from the field of play that he had developed eye-strain. Jimmy, a last minute addition to the squad who nearly made the eight on the break in two games, was victimized by bad roll after bad roll. As for me, I was heavily medicated as I may have mentioned before.

In the lead-off position, I missed what should’ve been easy position and managed to give the first game away. I think I followed suit with my second game, though, like I said, much of the happenings were obscured by a medicinal fog.

Heading into the match, I figured, if Billy and Boog won four games each, then I would only have to win one to cinch the match. That being said, I held up my end while my two amigos fell short. Jimmy was just there to fill out the roster so he shouldn’t be held accountable in any way for the massacre.

Barrelz, on the other hand, was living the charmed life – they didn’t get a single bad roll, nor did they have any medical emergencies. That’s the way it goes some times.

The Barrelz four - Bobby, T.J., Jeremy and Jonny – have sworn to give us a chance to get even though it seems, now, the Port Hole team has injected itself into the mix. We’re looking forward to a renewal of the competition, though we would hope they set things up for a day more hospitable to our side.

BTW, if you’re ever in the area, stop by Barrelz (8115 Us Highway 19, Port Richey, FL) for some pool, beer and pizza. You’ll be glad you did.

The Jackhammer Break Cue - A Tale of Gullibility

I just received the new jump/break cue I found on ebay, an Aska Jump Break AR Professional, which reminds me of the last jump/break cue I bought via that vast shopping mall, The Jackhammer.

The Jackass's Jackhammer

What’s with the name, anyway? Obviously the name Jackhammer was supposed to bring to mind another popular break cue, The Sledgehammer, which sells for around $300. The Jackhammer sold for considerably less. Yet, while both names conjure up powerfully destructive images, the power is delivered primarily vertically, not along a lateral path as a cue might traverse. Perhaps, Battering Ram would be a more apt moniker.

Anyway, I was taken in by the whole Jackhammer thing and soon paid the price for my gullibility – my Jackhammer turned out not to be worth jack shit. The “special” phenolic tip/ferrule chipped and cracked in half in short order. I had already given the seller positive feedback on the basis of the cue’s appearance, so I figured I was stuck. I got what I deserve – I was a Jackhammer jackass.

Aska Jump/Break Cue

So, somewhat inexplicably, when I again needed a jump/break cue, rather than going to my own break cue page, I again took a trip to ebayland. The Aska Jump/Break Cue sells for $109. It has a nice look, a solid feel, and, what’s more, it comes from Canada. I’m hoping our Canadian brethren have more scruples than those sellers dumping the Jackhammers on an unsuspecting public. I'll let you know how it holds up.

Thursday, April 08, 2010

Top Ten Pool/Billiards Instructional Books

I learned to play pool back in the 1960's primarily by studying Mosconi's little red book, Mosconi On Pocket Billiards. Lucky for me, old Teasdale picked up a few copies during his travels and made them available to his customers. Unfortunately, it was the only book I came across during my developing years. Nowadays, there are scores of books professing to teach readers the art of shooting pool. Following are the ten most popular pool/billiards instructional books. Point your cursor at the book's title for ratings, plus new and used prices.

1. The 99 Critical Shots in Pool: Everything You Need to Know to Learn and Master the Game ~ Raymond Martin

2. Byrne's New Standard Book of Pool and Billiards ~ Robert Byrne

3. Precision Pool: Your Guide to Mastering Key Skills, Shots & Strategies ~ Gerry Kanov

4. Byrne's Complete Book of Pool Shots: 350 Moves Every Player Should Know ~ Robert Byrne

5. Play Your Best Pool: Secrets To Winning 8-Ball and 9-Ball ~ Philip B. Capelle

6. Pool and Billiards For Dummies ~ Nicholas Leider

7. The Illustrated Principles of Pool and Billiards ~ David G. Alciatore

8. Pleasures of Small Motions: Mastering the Mental Game of Pocket Billiards ~ Robert T. Fancher

9. Picture Yourself Shooting Pool: Step-By-Step Instruction For Successful Pocket Billiards ~ Matthew Sherman

10. The Science of Pocket Billiards ~ Jack H. Koehler

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Top Ten Pool Posters at AcesWebWorld.com

Game rooms, pool rooms, bars and clubhouses – wherever you find pool tables, you’re apt to find pool and billiards posters decorating the walls. We sell a lot of pool posters at AcesWebWorld > Pool and Billiards, so, out of curiosity, I decided to see which were our most popular offerings. Here’s my top ten, compiled from stats going back one year. Updated October 26, 2017.


1. Hustler by Arthur Sarnoff


2. Legal Action by Chris Consani


3. Game of Fate by Chris Consani


4. The Night Café by Vincent van Gogh


5. Change for a Dollar by Frank Morrison


6. Behind the 8 Ball


7. Pool Shark


8. Hey! One Leg On The Floor by Arthur Sarnoff


9. Billiards by Mollie B.


10. Billiards Patent Art Prints









Thursday, March 11, 2010

Review: Psychology of Losing – Tricks, Traps & Sharks by Allan P. Sand

Allan P. Sand is a man after my own heart. He’s written a book on sharking, a guide to protecting yourself from ruthless gamesmanship. Now, I’m pretty well known, especially around bars where players will do anything short of jumping jacks in your line-of-sight to distract you, for calling people out for their sharking moves. Strictly speaking, according to my definition, if you aren’t sitting still, by still I mean motionless, and quiet, by quiet I mean completely silent, you are engaged to one degree or another in sharking. There should be no asking about the weather, no striking up a conversation with other people in the poolroom, no whistling, no humming, no tapping your stick on the floor, no “nice shot”, no nothing. Of course, I’m often disappointed by the deportment of my fellow competitors.

Maybe, I spend too much time thinking about the topic. In the preface to his book The Psychology of Losing - Tricks, Traps & Sharks, Sand advises “It is important to be aware of situations where psychological tricks and traps can be applied. Being alert helps you minimize and counter their affects. Don't obsess about it, just accept the facts that these attempts are being used by everyone, whether on purpose, or unintentionally.”

Though I’m confident that I generally know when sharking is going on, and I’m quick to point out each individual offense, the task of categorizing the myriad of ploys that qualify as sharking is beyond my analytical abilities. Thankfully, Sand has taken on the monumental task and succeeded. Here, he has broken down sharking into 70+ variations. As I read through them, I found myself remembering again and again instances from my own experience.

Take, for example, his first subcategory “Accusations.” To show you how successful my opponent was in knocking me off my game, I’m still seething over an incident that happened three or four years ago. I was ahead in a local 9-ball tournament match when my opponent started complaining about my racking, claiming that the one-ball had to be dead-center on the spot. I was so pissed off that eventually I told him to go fuck himself and walked out without finishing the match. Not the response that Sand recommends but I did get considerable satisfaction blogging about the experience. I even wrote a poem, A Nit With No Name, about my opponent.

Obviously, Allan P. Sand has put a lot of time and thought into this book and we should be glad he did. I recommend it to all serious players. It’s analysis of sharking moves and suggested responses should be an invaluable asset to your development.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Wanted: Billiards Entrepreneurs



Cue holders are much in demand by pool players whether they play in leagues or tournaments, in bars or poolrooms. Everyone needs a safe place to rest their cherished cue between turns at the table. Presenting, now, the Cue-It-Up Cue Clip. These handy cue holders attach to counters or tabletops with jaws that expand up to two inches.

If you think you can move these handy accessories, contact Robin Dodson: robindodson@ix.netcom.com. Two-time world champion and WPBA Hall-of-Famer Robin will supply interested entrepreneurs with cases of 24 clips (six colors, four of each). Dealers will be eligible to win a limited edition (one of four made) $1500 Schon cue. Says Robin, “That’s just my way of saying ‘thank you.’ We can all make a few bucks and one lucky person will be doubly blessed.”

Thursday, January 21, 2010

My Souped Up Bar Cue: Players Hydrogel Performance Pool Stick

A few weeks back, the custom-made pool cue I’ve been using during our bar league matches got knocked to the floor for the umpteenth time. Unfortunately, on this occasion it slapped a metal chair rail on the way which produced a super-sized ding midway up the shaft. As I worked on removing the indentation, I swore to myself that I’d never carry one of my better cues into a bar.

Confessedly, I’m not a guy who believes the cue makes the man. I grew up playing with a house cue and believe to this day that if you know how to play you should be able to play with anything that remotely resembles a cue stick. But, over the years, pool has followed golf in regards to offering duffers high-end high-priced equipment that’s guaranteed to elevate their game. The result is a plethora of lousy players with fancy sticks.

Anyway, I digress. To spare my regular playing cue, I started to shop around for a cue I’d use strictly for bars. After a little research, I decided on a blue Players Hydrogel Performance Cue Stick. First of all, it looked snazzy. The logo emblazoned on the butt reminded me of an endorsement packed NASCAR car. Bar players like that kind of thing – sticks with wolves, spiders, bears, lava lights. I had no doubt they’d admire my new Players cue more than they would my custom made Josey. I’m even thinking of using a glove to complete the slick bar player look.

Well, the stick has achieved all I expected and more. It seems the bar players really appreciate the chrome. But, what really has surprised me is the way the stick plays. It plays great. I’ve taken to leaving my high-end sticks at home and carrying it to the pool room for my daily practice sessions. For more info about the Players Hydrogel Performance Cue Stick visit my Players Cue page.

Note: After using the Porper Shaver on the tip to trim down the sides, the tip disintegrated. I replaced it with a Triangle tip which is working much better than the original. It looks like this model has been discontinued, so mine has quickly ascended to the status of collector's piece. If you're looking for a good C to B player's cue, I been getting some good feedback about Griffin cues.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Cheaters at Pool: Pity the Poor Desperate Fools

“Integrity is not a conditional word. It doesn't blow in the wind or change with the weather. It is your inner image of yourself, and if you look in there and see a man who cheats, then you know you are a worthless human being.”

I have to admit, there is a part of me, a small part that says people who are so desperate to win at pool that they resort to cheating are to be pitied. I mean, they truly are pitiful human beings. Thankfully, a larger part dominates, the one that screams “You no good mother-effin’, cheatin’ piece of crap – you’re lower than snake shit.”

The owner of the pool room where I grew up had zero tolerance for cheaters, air-barreling welchers, and other slick characters who thought they might make a score at his establishment. He dealt with them decisively - by throwing their asses out.

Down here in Florida, things aren’t so simple, especially in barrooms. For one thing, people who own the bars aren’t likely to make any moves that might cut into their revenues. Then, there’s the fact that their establishments are usually left in the hands of bar maids who don’t know squat about pool and couldn’t care less. And, of course, you have to consider the quirky nature of the rules which often vary from bar to bar. Around here, bar rules usually mean no safes, honest-effort, call the rails and kisses. Crazy, but that’s what it is.

Like the other day, I’m sitting at my usual perch, right next to the first bar table, watching the local Friday night bar tournament, when a player snookers himself on the 8-ball and calls a kick into the corner using one rail. Now, the 8-ball’s on the rail, so the call of “one-rail” immediately got my attention. Were it my shot, I would have called two rails allowing the cue ball to hit the second rail just in front of the 8. That is, if I really wanted to make the ball. I suspect that this player had no intention of pocketing the 8 and hoped only to knock it toward the hole. So, the player launches his kick shot. It hits the head rail then angles toward the 8-ball. It was pretty well on line, except it hit the side rail just before the eight and knocks the eight into the corner.

To the unknowing, it looked like a great shot. People were clapping and hooting and hollering. They did not realize it was technically a bad shot. Maybe they didn’t hear him call “one-rail.” Maybe they didn’t care. His opponent, a member of my pool league team, knew it was a bad shot as, of course, did I. The tournament director asked “Who won?” and I told her “Craig, because it was a bad hit.” Then, the arguing started. People started saying the hit looked good to them. I’m saying, “If you had been watching you would have seen it hit the long rail – he said ‘One rail.” Things continued to go back and forth like that with people who could not have been watching closely swearing that the shot was good.

The thing is, the guy who made the shot, and the subsequent bad hit, had as good a view of the cue ball as I did. He knew, as well as I and his opponent, that it was a bad hit and he could have settled the argument quickly by just admitting it. But, he wouldn’t. Why? Well, that would have meant the end of the night for him – the loss would have knocked him out of the tournament.

Eventually, to settle things, they decided to play the game again. The cheater won this game, though he was aided by another bad hit which he didn’t call on himself. Call me stupid, but when I make a bad hit I stand up and admit it right away and relinquish my turn. I don’t wait to see if my opponent notices or to see if he’s going to call it on me – that’s sleazy.

Anyway, the way I feel now, I don’t think I’ll be attending this tournament any time soon.

Been cheated? Leave a comment detailing your experience.